The Men In My Life
by Lil Bryce
Summary: At her father's wake Alex thinks about the men that have impacted her life. R&R pleez!


I miss Bobby so much. He was such a great guy. When he died I didn't really know if I was going to be okay. I raged on him a lot for mothering people, but the truth is I actually liked it. I know that he only did it because he cared. I never meant to lead him on, or to hurt him. I still remember his face when I told him I wanted a threesome. It was my way of breaking it off with him. Honestly though, I didn't want to. I was scared though. Bobby cared deeply about me and I returned those feelings completely. I had never felt that strongly about a man and it terrified me. I couldn't let it go on. So I had to end it. When he died I regretted that move so much. I wish that I had had the guts to tell him the truth. I wish that I had given him a chance.

I still don't quite understand what happened between Ty and me. After my dad went missing, he was just there. He was sweet and caring and he seemed to understand. He had lost his dad to the force and he claimed to know my pain. What Ty and I had, I can't really define it. We were more than friends, but I'm not sure that we actually had a relationship. I tried to be there for him. When he got shot and I met his mom the whole thing fell apart. He said he was sorry, he claimed that he loved me. I just couldn't accept it though. He still tried to be my friend after we broke up but it just wasn't the same.

I don't really know what to say about Jimmy. Despite all of his faults, he really is a great guy. He is my partner and my fiend. He has always been there for me. I know that he cares about me. He helped me with Bobby and I listened to him about Kim. That's how we are. We have a great relationship. I still remember finding him cheating on Brooke at their engagement party. When he asked me not to say anything, to me at least, he seemed like a scared little kid. Nothing more than a lost little boy. I felt so bad because I had already told. I did eventually tell him that and he forgave me. I was the one to stick by him. I didn't turn on him when the truth came out at the house. Everyone hated him but I still tried to talk some reality into him. I know the truth about Linda's baby. Jimmy told me that he could be the father. He also confessed to me that he is completely conflicted. He wants to know the truth so he can be there if he has a kid. He doesn't want to hurt Joe though. He knows that it's best to just let it rest. I've been through a lot with Jimmy. When you work like we do, you're forced to be close to someone. When you're forced together like that things can happen. Nothing has ever happened between Jimmy and me but I actually prefer that. Jimmy is so much about sex with women, but he and I have a deeper connection. I have never admitted it, probably never will, but I love him. I don't know when it happened but somehow I fell in love with Jimmy. I really don't have a good run with men.

I think that I'm closer to Adam than to anybody else in this world. I don't work with him, he's my brother. He was the one that was supposed to join FDNY, but that wasn't quite what he wanted. When Adam came out to our parents, it didn't go over well. Dad had high hopes for him. He couldn't believe his only son was gay. Adam and I were so close. He was scared though that I was going to hate him. That could never happen though. Adam is my brother and I love him so much. I was shocked when I first found out, but it didn't change my love for him. He is who he is and he will always be my brother. He and I had a lot in common. We both just wanted to make our dad proud.

Fire Chief Angus Taylor to most; to me he was simply dad. My dad was my hero. My entire life all that I wanted was to be just like him. When I was only six I told my parents I was going to join FDNY. My dad never really believed that I could do it though. He never really encouraged it. I don't honestly believe that it was simply that he didn't believe in me. I honestly think that he was worried. I was his little girl and he didn't want me out there. I knew how much though, that it meant to have his kid follow his legacy. If Adam wasn't going to do it, then it would have to be me. I have to work my butt off everyday to be as good as him. People require more of me because of him. They assume that the spawn of the great chief has to be good. I love him for it though. When 9-11 hit it was not easy on me. When the news came back that my father was missing I literally couldn't breath. As much as I tried to deny it, I always knew. No matter how much hope I held out, I knew that my dad wasn't coming home. When they actually found my dad, I was hit with so many different emotions. I was prepared for it, I had been expecting it. It still hurt though, he was my dad. No matter all of his problems, despite the fact that he never actually told us, my brother and I know that our dad loved us. We know that he believed in us, he was proud of us and he wanted the best for us. I still can't believe that I'm sitting here today at my father's wake. As bad as it sounds, it wasn't a big shock when they found him dead. I'm not stupid; logically I knew that he had to be dead. I didn't want to accept it though. My dad was always so strong. When I was a kid he seemed almost like Superman. It didn't seem right that anything could take him down. It is the truth though.

The men in my life differ so much its funny. They have affected my life tremendously though. Now my dad is up in heaven with Bobby and I am left here. Adam is of course here with me. Jimmy came and even Ty showed up. I know that they can all be there for me. Ty and I will never quite be the same but I still have Adam and Jimmy. Losing my dad has taught me a lot of valuable lessons on life. I will make sure that Adam knows how special he is to me. I will tell him I love him all of the time, since it never came from our dad. This loss has also taken me back some and made me think about losing Bobby. I never had the guts to give him a chance. Maybe I'll tell Jimmy that I love him before it's too late.

I was supposed to be a male. At times when I was younger I thought my life would be easier if I was. Now though, I am glad that I am who I am. If I wasn't a woman I don't think my life would have been affected quite the same by the men in it.


End file.
